I need to document this strong physiological response right now.
Am I angry? am I sad? Am I both? whatever it is, I feel it pounding in my chest. Let me just record what I’m feeling today. I want to remember how fucking upset I am right now.
I drive to work [At a prestigious institution mind you, and in Baltimore City, mind you, which driving in is no joke] for the first time today. On the way home, I get groceries for the family, and all my schools supplies. I feel pretty accomplished and adult-like.
Instead of asking me how my first drive was, or patting me on the back or something my mom yells at me for getting off at the wrong exit on the way home. Like it was one mistake and didn’t affect you can you not be such a tit. then grumpily leaves when I tell her to be quiet…she feels entitled to be in a bad mood because she made dinner.
Then, my loving father comes in for the last 5 minutes of me eating. Thanks for being so considerate for joining the family for dinner when you were just fucking watching TV. Sits down and starts to have a real conversation with me lasting more than 2 minutes for the first time in literally, forever. I can’t remember the last time my dad sat down with me and talked to me. Literally. I can’t.
So he asks how my drive was and I’m like oh good, maybe things can not suck…wrong. Somehow, this quickly turns into a “Oh, I don’t think you can get into med school. Yeah don’t bother even applying. I think you’re more suitable to be a teacher, because you have “too many interests”. I do “too many clubs”.
You’re not like other pre med students I’ve met…your whole hearts not into it, I can tell. Med school is competitive, I won’t stand a chance.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Can you seriously stop pooping on me for a SECOND of my life when I’m interacting with you? ??? like what the fuck does having other interests have to do with fucking anything and just like why the fuck wouldn’t you be supportive and try to sabotage me because you think it’s whats “best”. HONESTLY HOW MANY OTHER PRE MED STUDENTS DO YOU FUCKING KNOW. IM SO FUCKING DONE WITH BEING COMPARED TO OTHER KIDS. OKAY SO I DONT WANT TO GO TO HOPKINS LIKE THAT OTHER GIRL. FUCK. YOU. akjfnlskjfnskljfnskldjfnskljfnslkjfn .
this degenerated quickly and was needed to relieve angst. end of rant. Just whyyyyyyy. why do you exist to make my life hell
“Intimacy is not who you let touch your genitalia. Intimacy is who you text at 3am about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your attention, when ten other people are asking for it. Intimacy is the person always in the back of your mind, no matter how distracted you are.”—this is amazing (via sick-paradise)
You don’t need another human being to make your life complete, but let’s be honest. Having your wounds kissed by someone who doesn’t see them as disasters in your soul but cracks to put their love into is the most calming thing in this world…
either this summer or next school year. cause honestly i have a lot of mental and emotional issues that have been building up that I feel like I can’t resolve on my own or talk to anyone about.
Has anyone felt this way before? Like you just can’t tell any of your friends, no matter how close?
It’s not a sign of weakness because I need help. I need to get over that. It will help me become a better person. A stronger person. (One that doesn’t have borderline borderline personality disorder which is annoying to both others and myself)
This all sounds petty but coming to this decision is a big declarative that took a lot of thinking from me.