All my checks will…
bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce.
Seagrams poppin’ in our refrigerator, $5 for 4 bottles and I save ‘em for later. I got: ramen on the left [left], pizza on the right [right], and a free month on netflix so we stay turnt up all night.
"If you go home with someone, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ‘em!" - John Waters
Meryl Streep is my champion
Upstairs, curdled in my room…
The shrieks of my mother
echo through the vent,
and seep through the cracks in my heart
From all the times
I have listened from upstairs
to the way my parents have despised
more than anything else in the world.
What, or who says, that I necessarily ever have to “get over it”? I will honor that love for a long, long time.
No matter how much
I look back and you made me doubt everything, somehow I know….
(Maybe it was the way our heartbeats seemed to synchronize when we looked at each other, long, long ago)
Somehow, my heart, a force greater than my mind, knows. that I touched your heart too. And left you changed.
Some temporal distance has brought into view something more clear, and less distorted. That it was meaningful to the both of us, which has given my mind peace.
But at the same time, how could a meaningful experience shared between two individuals ever be replicated? And so it follows, how could it ever be forgotten?
I shouldn’t force myself to not think about it or feel bad about myself because I think about it still.
Some people carry around a few permanent scars. *shrug*. It’s what makes people human and interesting I guess. Just because your heart’s broken, doesn’t mean you are! I’m trying to continue to share my heart with others as much as possible, romantically/not. Life lives on…just making the best of what I have, which is all anyone can ever do.
Maybe I will find love again one day. Honestly, it’s a tall order…and I don’t expect much from anyone.
All I want is one day to maybe be strong enough to look you in the eyes and call you my friend again.
that I DO have higher levels of anxiety than probably most of the general population (as well as a more never-ending, over-thinking inner narrative). As well as hand-in-hand perfectionism, and periodic (self) “doubt waves” but I do NOT have an anxiety DISORDER. It negatively affects my life obviously, but I am still highly FUNCTIONING. And I sure as hell don’t have crippling social anxiety where I can’t make new friends.
I can still choose to control and practice relaxation techniques to keep it under control. I’m talking normal things like exercise or taking a bath or spending some time alone, walking my dog, and not having to resort to desperate vices like smoking. Really thankful in this moment to be finally realizing this and not racking anything up to more than it really is. Really thankful to own that this is my displacement with grace, and that its not my fault. It’s not weak that I need to time out. I was raised (and live) in a high stress, tumultuous family environment. My whole life is innately an identity crisis. Obviously this is how most people would be psychologically affected, inevitably….
Goals: If I get my sleep schedule on point this semester, maybe I can try mindfulness meditation without accidentally falling asleep. lol.